{"id":47,"date":"2012-01-19T11:01:00","date_gmt":"2012-01-19T16:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/?p=47"},"modified":"2012-01-19T11:01:00","modified_gmt":"2012-01-19T16:01:00","slug":"sitting-in-a-group-in-silence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/?p=47","title":{"rendered":"Sitting in a Group. . .in Silence"},"content":{"rendered":"

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the centre hole
that makes the wagon move.<\/p>\n

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we value.<\/em>
Tao te Ching, 11<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Pay attention to the silence.
What’s happening when nothing is happening in a group?
This is the group field.<\/p>\n

Thirteen (or 30) people sit in a circle,
but it is the climate, the spirit in the centre of the circle where nothing is happening
that determines the nature of the group field.<\/p>\n

People’s speech determines the content.
But it is the silence, the empty space
that reveals the group’s essential energy<\/em>.
Tao of Leadership, 11<\/span>.<\/p>\n

The second of these quotes was written twenty-five years ago by my longtime friend, John Heider. The first, by Lao Tzu, 2500 years ago<\/em>! Truths endure. For twenty years I would happily make the trek to meet with my friend, once, occasionally twice a year, to participate in his ongoing groups. These travels took me to California, Florida, and more recently and enduringly, Kansas. And the question occurred more than once (even to me!): what’s the magic that would take me thousand’s of kilometers to sit for three, sometimes five or even seven days, in a circle of a dozen or so folks — mostly in silence, just listening?<\/p>\n

During our short feedback session, wrapping up Saturday’s silent retreat of a few weeks ago, and hearing about the experiences of many of the participants, I was reminded once again that, indeed there is something very special about the group space. One can sit, eyes closed, breathing — anywhere. One can walk slowly back and forth or round in circles — anywhere. Or stretch. . . or balance. But something is different in the circle.<\/p>\n

‘Alone . . . but not alone’<\/em><\/strong> was the way in which one of us described her experience. Sitting in one’s own, ‘protected’ space — but surrounded by like-mindedness, experiencing a shared purpose, focus. Coming into a group, particularly a large and unfamiliar gathering, it’s typically the uncertainties, the anxieties that dominate. One often feels alone . . . and most distinctly cut off from the other people. Perhaps this is projection — but I don’t think so. I frequently find myself, ‘taking the temperature’ of the assemblage, seeing where I fit in, wondering how I measure up, if I’ll be accepted (or, in the catastrophic, ignored, even shunned). All distractions, usually contrived in my own apprehension; and certainly detracting from the experience. Being welcomed merely for walking into the room and sitting down is a unique experience.<\/p>\n

Close beside this observation were various comments on the shift in the ‘social climate’ that many noticed. The ease of not talking<\/em><\/strong> leveled the playing field for some. Coming into a group, knowing few if any, often applies a particular and peculiar social pressure, amplifying one’s natural style, temperament. The shy may become more withdrawn, awkward, uncomfortable; the gregarious, more ebullient, engaging, launching into hyper-social mode. We, in short become caricatures of ourselves, displaying only those extremes of our personality that, in more familiar conditions, have the ‘corners rounded off’ a bit. When ‘small talk’ becomes ‘no talk’, these extremes too are muted; the need, compulsion, reflex to participate thru’ speech — be it witty, sage, self-conscious, or forced (or, God forbid, boring!) — is removed. And we can let go of the ‘dance’ that preoccupies and steals our attention.<\/p>\n

Many commented on the ‘life lessons’ — more life reminders — arising from walking the labyrinth. Even the luxury that walking in silence affords, of noticing one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations (good and bad — if I’m allowed an evaluative comment) around the simplest of experience, proved to be something of a revelation for some. Impatience, frustration, a (social) sensitivity to ‘holding things up’ (and the ever in the wings, ever so Canadian apology<\/em> for same); the urgency to finish, the delay in start, the ‘should I pass or slow down’ — all were noticed. . . and quietly resolved or considered or just allowed. Action becomes reflection. ‘Fixing’, addressing becomes tolerance (maybe!). And we ‘sit with’ (or in this instance, walk with) a situation, waiting for it to evolve and change (as it most certainly will), released from the compulsion to act on it or even against it.<\/p>\n

Metaphors presented to some. Observing the ‘illusion’ of being behind<\/em> — or ahead<\/em> — of another, as the labyrinth’s track circled back on itself, changed direction, became more central or more peripheral. And applying that observation to the often ‘competitive’ value we take into life situations; the measuring of how I’m doing in a comparative way (“if I’m ahead of so and so, I must be OK, right?”); instead of the intra-individual (the within self) perspective. The luxury of going at one’s own pace.<\/p>\n

And finally, trust<\/strong><\/em>. Consider the last time you sat in a group of twenty-nine other people, awake and alert — with your eyes closed, no need or expectation to explain or account for one’s behaviour or choices.<\/p>\n

I think I know why I found John’s groups so compelling, such a pull. These values and others all lived in the ‘hole at the centre’, in the group field.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We join spokes together in a wheel,but it is the centre holethat makes the wagon move. We shape clay into a pot,but it is the emptiness insidethat holds whatever we value.Tao te Ching, 11. Pay attention to the silence.What’s happening when nothing is happening in a group?This is the group field. Thirteen (or 30) people […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=47"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=47"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=47"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=47"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}