{"id":60,"date":"2011-07-07T15:18:00","date_gmt":"2011-07-07T19:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/?p=60"},"modified":"2011-07-07T15:18:00","modified_gmt":"2011-07-07T19:18:00","slug":"endings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/?p=60","title":{"rendered":"Endings"},"content":{"rendered":"

Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other<\/em>.
(Tao Te Ching, 2<\/em>)<\/p>\n

Natural events are cyclical, always changing from one extreme toward an opposite. . .That is the way of nature: to relax what is tense, to fill what is empty, to reduce what is overflowing. . . The wise person follows this natural order of events (and) by remaining disinterested (in outcome) becomes potent and successful<\/em>.
(Tao of Leadership, 77<\/em>)<\/p>\n

One year ago this week, I attended a memorial service in Lawrence, Kansas for my friend and principal mentor, John Heider, the author of the second of these two quotes \u2013 and it put me in mind of endings and how we deal with them, what they represent to us. For the past two decades, I had, more or less annually, joined at least one of John\u2019s trainings as he taught group process, body work, gestalt technique, and meditation<\/em>. Our final group was held in October 2008, (barely a year and a half before John\u2019s death in May, 2010), prompting me, at the time, to reflect on this bittersweet event: <\/p>\n

Without fear of exaggeration, it is this man\u2019s guidance and gentle suggestion, teachings and wisdom, provision of opportunity to explore the truly difficult, conflicted and challenging issues that plague us all, insights, encouragement to cultivate a contemplative and meditative practice, that has sculpted the spiritual framework that has occupied for me mid-life to \u2018young\u2019 old age. And this is his last group. This year\u2019s trip is tinged with the sadness and uncertainty that must always accompany a transition, indeed a closing \u2013 especially one that will be hard pressed to find equal; and certainly never be replaced. <\/p>\n

We sit around the group circle, \u2018old style\u2019 \u2013 pillows on the floor (no mean trick for a group with an average age of somewhere in the low 60\u2019s). All bound by a few simple rules: tell one\u2019s truth (or as much of it as feels safe); remain present; and above all, \u2018trust the process\u2019. This last bit, cryptic and succinct as it may seem, to my mind is the essence of personal and ultimately spiritual growth. It presumes a community that may be relied upon to place each other\u2019s respective interests in a non-judgmental, supportive, receptive, and respectful light. It presumes a set of expectations that does not include \u2018getting answers\u2019 \u2013 only being granted a full opportunity to ask one\u2019s questions, a forum to be fully heard (not judged, corrected, or advised). And it presumes that speaking aloud one\u2019s dilemmas and enthusiasms, regrets and successes, witnessed in such a community, will advance and clarify, will provide direction, and, most importantly, be listened to \u2013 a rare occurrence in today\u2019s world where many speak and few hear. Neither is talk the only medium. Equally important is the silence. If I may appropriate: \u2018Be still and know . . ; be still; be\u2019<\/em> is something of a maxim easily adopted by this group.<\/p>\n

As expected, the sub-text, the \u2018elephant in the room\u2019 of this final group is a sense of loss, dislocation, anxiety around \u2018where to from here\u2019 \u2013 as we say our goodbyes to a group of friends, to a community that has, without exaggeration, been the touchstone, the anchor, the home that this incredibly diverse group of sometime strangers has come to rely upon for all of the above gifts. Equally evident, and somewhat less expectedly is a profound sense of gratitude for having had the opportunity to live in this community \u2013 however, briefly.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I believe my personal \u2018work\u2019 has ever orbited around endings<\/em> \u2013 as it may for many of us \u2013 or perhaps more properly transitions<\/em>, even evolutions<\/em>. In this regard, I had occasion to look back at some writing I\u2019d done in the mid-1990\u2019s, at that time centering on frustrations associated with our local bicycle club. A few of us had invested heavily in interest, energy, and time to consolidate and promote the growth of a group of \u2018hobbyists\u2019 (hardly!) in a sport paradoxically populated by individualists \u2013 despite the superficial identification of a team structure. Adding members, structuring regular group rides that would conform to (supportive) \u2018guidelines\u2019 that wouldn\u2019t see loose cannons charging off the front or lame ducks falling off the back, ride schedules, club jerseys, sponsorship \u2013 you name it \u2013 all became central focuses; and in turn, confirmations of \u2018success\u2019. The awareness finding its way into print fifteen years ago was much less about the effort imbued to make something work; and much more about the, at first subtle disappointments forming around something when it starts to stop working. At the time, coming to recognize \u2013 and accept \u2013 the natural course of things, in John\u2019s language. <\/p>\n

Were I a student being graded in a more conventional context, I would likely be scored an \u2018NI\u2019 (needs improvement) or, at best, perhaps an \u2018S\u2019 (satisfactory). I\u2019m still evidently a work in progress. As if to highlight my forward movement (or lack thereof), this week too saw an email arrive in the in-box from a colleague in our group practice announcing that, after ten-years of affiliation with our collective, it was time for her to establish an independent, unique, and separate identity. The (at least for me) instinctive response to yet another ending was immediate: disappointment, anxiety (over filling the void), a dab of doubt (something I\/we did?) \u2013 and even a little anger, sense of betrayal (where\u2019s all that loyalty and gratitude when you need it?). Out of sight, but hopefully around the corner, were the celebration of the new venture and the capacity to actually read the words that thanked us for a great decade and a positive association. Still a little stuck in the ending, the \u2018what was\u2019; and a little hesitant to embrace what will be \u2013 the new beginnings.<\/p>\n

Mindfulness practice, with its emphasis on balance, equanimity, acceptance of \u2018the full catastrophe\u2019 (the \u2018natural course\u2019 of change and impermanence), letting go, and developing an awareness around the paired distractions of avoidance (in this case, of change) and attachment (in this instance, to what was) seems the ideal tonic with which to deal with endings. Quoting John once again, the point of any practice is to \u2018shed the light of consciousness on an issue, a concern, a decision\u2019; not to solve the problem or provide an answer in a conventional sense, but to sit in the presence of the question. Evidently, some of our \u2018aging\u2019 group from Lawrence still has this work to do. The consensus was to carry on meeting, \u2018leaderless\u2019. Perhaps it\u2019s time to embrace a new beginning, letting John go. And ‘trust the process’ that each ending (as Lau-tzu suggests in the opening quote, 2500 years ago) holds within it a beginning.<\/p>\n

<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Being and non-being create each other.Difficult and easy support each other.Long and short define each other.High and low depend on each other.Before and after follow each other.(Tao Te Ching, 2) Natural events are cyclical, always changing from one extreme toward an opposite. . .That is the way of nature: to relax what is tense, to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=60"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=60"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=60"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=60"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}