{"id":69,"date":"2011-03-27T10:12:00","date_gmt":"2011-03-27T14:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/?p=69"},"modified":"2011-03-27T10:12:00","modified_gmt":"2011-03-27T14:12:00","slug":"the-toxicity-twins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/?p=69","title":{"rendered":"The Toxicity Twins"},"content":{"rendered":"
Letting go<\/strong> is an invitation to cease clinging to anything: be it an idea, a possession, an experience, a time in our lives, a point of view, a desire. It is a conscious decision to give up coercing, resisting, struggling. In exchange, we are granted the gift of wholesome acceptance, free of attraction to or rejection of; free of the stickiness of wanting, liking or disliking. Letting go is the allowing of things to be as they are.<\/span> (from Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are<\/em>)<\/div>\n

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The \u2018stickiness\u2019, to which Kabat-Zinn refers, can (ironically) be a very \u2018slippery\u2019 creature, creeping into our thoughts and desires when we least expect; contriving all manner of justifications, rationalizations to support our choices; setting its hooks in ways that make it very difficult to shake loose. When we meditate, when we still the mind and open ourselves to a period of silence without \u2018benefit\u2019 of distraction or busyness, we are very often fertile ground for this little critter to nest in \u2013 let\u2019s just call him attachment<\/strong><\/em> (or his equally dark twin, avoidance<\/strong><\/em>). Christening them two of the three poisons, Buddhist teachings feel sufficiently strongly about these two to assign them (together with \u2018ignorance of the truth\u2019 \u2013 i.e., self-delusion or confusion) primary responsibility for the dissatisfaction and unhappiness we experience in life. (And here I thought it was the Leaf\u2019s not winning a cup since 1967.) Attachment (aka: addiction, obsession, codependence, control, greed, jealousy, conditionality \u2013 to name but a few aliases) and avoidance (aversion, phobic anxiety, hatred and resentment) are evidently a potent pair indeed.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Mindfulness practice is, at core, a bringing of awareness to a situation (or, in the words of a dear friend, \u2018shedding the light of consciousness on. . .\u2019) so that one is less \u2018unconsciously\u2019 controlled by it and becomes more an observer of it \u2013 and accordingly is better equipped to move past it (or to \u2018let it go\u2019 in Kabat-Zinn\u2019s terms). Addressing the above two \u2018poisons\u2019 is yet another instance of this practice. Typically mindfulness practice suggests some variation on the \u2018name and return\u2019 protocol: when we become aware that we\u2019ve been distracted away from the breath, we identify or label in some succinct way the source of the distraction (\u2018thought\u2019, \u2018sensation\u2019, etc.); and return to the cycle of our breathing. In situations where the distraction is a little more stubborn, relentless, it is sometimes helpful to \u2018address it\u2019 directly. It\u2019s sometimes useful to ask \u2018what\u2019s the pull?\u2019 Not in the usual sense of attempting to \u2018figure out\u2019 the \u2018why\u2019 we keep returning to a particular image or situation (and only serving to get more caught up in the \u2018intellectual\u2019 aspect of the distraction); but rather taking the observer\u2019s awareness to the spot, thought, or feeling that insists on \u2018pulling us away\u2019. This might involve shifting one\u2019s attention away from the \u2018stimulus\u2019 \u2013 the object of our distraction \u2013 and back to the observer\u2019s response to it: \u201cwhat is arising in me as I sit in the presence of ________?\u201d; \u201cwhat do I experience?\u201d<\/div>\n

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Notice too how you are relating<\/em> to this image, thought, sensation. (Getting back to our two poisons), Am I attached<\/em> to it \u2013 obsessing about it, \u2018needing\u2019 it? Fearful of its going, leaving, of losing it? Am I needing to control it; having it be a particular way, turning out in a particular fashion \u2013 to ensure my happiness (the conditionality of I\u2019ll be content if and only if. . .)? Alternately, do I just need<\/em> it to \u2018go away\u2019 \u2013 am I averse to or avoiding<\/em> of this image, thought, or sensation? Do I resent its presence, perhaps rejecting it, even \u2018hating\u2019 it? These are not \u2018analyses\u2019 of what you are experiencing; they are simply suggested questions that may help identify the nature of your \u2018relationship with\u2019 the experience. Once established as attachment or rejection\/avoidance, the work is done \u2013 no need to get caught up in the why.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Letting go of the need to have or make things be different than they are (in this moment) \u2013 or its flip side, lamenting that things are as they are right now \u2013 is an important element of this process as well. This is the letting be of what is<\/em>, trusting that change is inevitable; circumstance will evolve in its own time; and equally we cannot hurry or force that process. Skills that come into play here are non-reaction<\/strong><\/em> and acceptance<\/strong><\/em>, the latter seen as one\u2019s \u2018agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit\u2019 (online definition). During meditation, a helpful exercise in this regard is to metaphorically place the person or image of a \u2018triggering\u2019 (preoccupying) situation on a chair \u2013 directly in front of and facing you, as you sit. (This is the metaphoric opposite of trying to avoid it.) Gently observe him\/her\/it. Develop a benign tolerance of his\/her\/it\u2019s presence. No need to engage or respond \u2013 just observe, \u2018sit with\u2019. Being human, the investment we have in the object before us will<\/em> change, usually diminish, as we remain, non-reactive and accepting of its presence. Again, back to the toxic tandem, the aspects of our relationship that \u2018keep alive\u2019 the intensity of this unholy bond with the overly desired or the intensely shunned is the degree to which we are attached or averse \u2013 not something inherent in the object itself.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

A lovely poem (The Guest House<\/em>) by the 13th century Sufi mystic, Rumi, captures the essence of this unconditional \u2018welcoming\u2019 of circumstance \u2013 and the accompanying capacity to let go of our attachments and aversions:<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

This being human is a guest house.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Every morning a new arrival.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

A joy, a depression, a meanness,<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Welcome and entertain them all!<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

still, treat each guest honorably.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

meet them at the door laughing,<\/span> and invite them in.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Be grateful for whoever comes,<\/span> because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

One final thought about letting go. Perhaps the most profound example of this process is that of grieving a loss. In his very helpful little volume (Grieving Mindfully), Sameet Kumar makes reference to a five-step, sequenced protocol facilitating closure, one that is equally applicable to much less weighty circumstances:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Examining our regrets around. . . (the apology)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Cultivating compassion toward. . . (the forgiveness)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Cultivating empathy \/ understanding of. . .(the loving)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanking for the gifts from. . .(the learning)<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Letting go of . . . (the goodbye)<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

PP (post-post, as it were): We watched Inside Job<\/em> last evening, a film that chronicles the 2008 financial crisis triggered by (of all things) greed and unaccountability in the US money market system. Great example of the extreme (world-wide) impact of attachment (and the later avoidance of responsibility) of some very selfish folks. Talk about your ‘Money for nothing (and your chicks for free!)<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Letting go is an invitation to cease clinging to anything: be it an idea, a possession, an experience, a time in our lives, a point of view, a desire. It is a conscious decision to give up coercing, resisting, struggling. In exchange, we are granted the gift of wholesome acceptance, free of attraction to or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=69"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=69"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=69"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.davidhowardpsychologist.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=69"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}